When Self-Confidence Is Lost

Understanding the Barriers That Can Hold Us Back

Self-confidence can influence almost every area of our lives from the decisions we make and the relationships we form to the opportunities we pursue and the way we see ourselves.

Yet for many people, confidence is not something they feel they naturally possess. It can be weakened by life experiences, criticism, rejection, difficult relationships, anxiety, financial pressure, isolation, trauma or repeated experiences of feeling that they are not good enough.

A person may appear confident on the outside while privately struggling with self-doubt.

They may question their abilities, avoid opportunities, find it difficult to speak up, constantly compare themselves with others or feel that they have lost their sense of direction.

For some, the question is not simply, “How do I become more confident?”

It is: “What happened to my confidence in the first place?”

How Common Are the Problems Associated with Low Confidence?

Although there is no single national statistic measuring low self-confidence itself, there is substantial evidence showing how widespread some of the experiences associated with reduced confidence and self-worth are.

The Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey for England 2023/24 found that 20.2% of adults had a common mental health condition, equivalent to approximately 9.4 million adults. The prevalence was higher among women, at 24.2%, compared with 15.4% among men.

Among 16- to 24-year-olds, the prevalence was even higher, at 25.8%.

Anxiety is particularly relevant when considering confidence. Generalised anxiety disorder was identified in 7.5% of adults in the same survey. Anxiety does not automatically mean that someone has low self-confidence, but persistent worry, fear of judgement and avoidance can make it more difficult for some people to participate fully in everyday life.

Loneliness is another important factor. ONS data published in 2025 found that 25% of adults in Great Britain reported feeling lonely often, always or some of the time. Among 16- to 29-year-olds, the figure rose to 40%.

These figures provide an important context: millions of people are experiencing emotional, psychological or social circumstances that can make confidence and personal wellbeing more difficult to maintain.

Why Do People Lose Confidence?

There is rarely one explanation.

Low confidence can develop gradually, sometimes without the person recognising when it began.

Childhood experiences

Early experiences can influence the beliefs people develop about themselves.

Repeated criticism, bullying, unrealistic expectations, lack of encouragement, comparison with others or growing up in an environment where emotions were not valued can contribute to negative beliefs about personal ability or worth.

A child who repeatedly hears that they are not good enough may eventually internalise that message.

As an adult, that belief can continue even when the circumstances that created it no longer exist.

Failure and rejection

Failure is a normal part of life, but repeated setbacks can affect how someone views their own ability.

After experiencing rejection, redundancy, relationship breakdown, academic difficulties or financial problems, an individual may begin to interpret a setback as evidence that there is something fundamentally wrong with them.

Instead of thinking:

“That situation did not work out,”

they may begin thinking:

“I am not capable.”

That difference can have a significant impact on confidence.

Anxiety and fear of judgement

For some people, confidence is affected by persistent worry about what others think.

They may avoid speaking in meetings, meeting new people, applying for jobs, starting relationships or trying something unfamiliar because they fear embarrassment, criticism or failure.

Avoidance can provide temporary relief, but it may also prevent the person from discovering that they are capable of handling the situation.

Difficult or abusive relationships

Relationships can have a profound effect on self-worth.

Domestic abuse, for example, is not limited to physical violence. The latest ONS figures estimate that 3.8 million people aged 16 and over experienced domestic abuse in England and Wales in the year ending March 2025 -7.8% of the population.

Around 12.5 million people, or 25.8% of adults, had experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16.

Emotional abuse was the most commonly reported form of domestic abuse experienced since age 16, affecting 18.1% of adults. Economic abuse affected 11.0%, while threats affected 13.9%.

These statistics are important because abuse can involve behaviours that undermine a person's independence, decision-making and perception of themselves.

Someone who has repeatedly been told that they are worthless, incapable or responsible for everything that goes wrong may eventually begin to believe those messages.

Leaving an abusive relationship does not necessarily mean that those beliefs disappear immediately.

Rebuilding confidence can therefore become an important part of rebuilding a life.

The Impact of Isolation

Confidence can also be affected when people become disconnected from others.

Isolation may occur because of relationship breakdown, moving to a new area, becoming a parent, financial difficulties, bereavement, illness, caring responsibilities or simply feeling that nobody understands what they are experiencing.

When someone has little opportunity to receive encouragement or share their experiences with others, negative thoughts can become increasingly difficult to challenge.

The ONS finding that one in four adults reported experiencing loneliness at least some of the time demonstrates how widespread social disconnection is. Younger adults were particularly affected, with four in ten 16- to 29-year-olds reporting loneliness at least some of the time.

Single Parents and Confidence

Parenthood can bring enormous fulfilment, but it can also bring pressure.

Single parents may be managing childcare, employment, finances, household responsibilities and their children's emotional needs, sometimes with limited support.

The challenge is not that being a single parent automatically causes low confidence. Rather, sustained pressure can leave little time for personal development, rest or reflection.

A parent may become so focused on caring for everyone else that their own needs gradually disappear from the picture.

Over time, this can contribute to feeling disconnected from personal ambitions, identity and self-worth.

Young People and the Confidence Challenge

Young people can face particularly significant pressures.

Social comparison, academic expectations, employment uncertainty, relationships and online environments can all influence how young people perceive themselves.

The latest Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey found that 25.8% of 16- to 24-year-olds had a common mental health condition in 2023/24.

This does not mean that one in four young people lacks confidence. It does, however, highlight the wider emotional pressures affecting this age group.

Confidence-building should therefore not simply be about encouraging people to “believe in themselves”. It should also involve understanding the circumstances affecting their wellbeing and helping them identify realistic ways of moving forward.

Recognising the Signs

Someone experiencing low confidence may not always describe themselves as lacking confidence.

Instead, they might say:

“I don't know what I want anymore.”

“I always doubt myself.”

“I am afraid of getting it wrong.”

“I don't think I am good enough.”

“I don't know where to start.”

“I used to be different.”

“I feel like I have lost myself.”

These statements can be signs that a person needs an opportunity to stop, reflect and understand what has contributed to their current situation.

Confidence Can Be Rebuilt

Confidence is not necessarily a fixed personality trait.

It can change throughout life.

A person who feels uncertain today may develop greater confidence through experience, support, learning, healthy relationships, achievable goals and positive reinforcement.

Importantly, confidence does not mean never feeling afraid.

A confident person can still experience anxiety, uncertainty or self-doubt.

Confidence can instead mean developing the ability to say:

“I am uncertain, but I can take the next step.”

That shift can be powerful.

For someone who has spent years putting other people's needs before their own, rebuilding confidence may begin with recognising their right to have needs.

For someone who has experienced repeated criticism, it may begin with learning to recognise their strengths.

For someone who has experienced abuse, it may begin with understanding that the abuse was not their fault.

For someone experiencing anxiety, it may begin with taking one manageable step rather than expecting themselves to change everything at once.

Moving Forward

There is no single reason why a person loses confidence, and there is no single solution.

Understanding the underlying barriers is often an important starting point.

Sometimes those barriers are internal — self-doubt, fear or negative beliefs.

Sometimes they are external — financial pressure, isolation, difficult relationships, lack of opportunity or insufficient support.

And sometimes they are the result of experiences that have affected the way a person sees themselves.

What matters is recognising that struggling with confidence does not mean that a person is weak or incapable.

It may simply mean that something has affected their belief in themselves.

With appropriate support, awareness and practical steps, that belief can begin to change.

Confidence may be lost, but it can also be rebuilt.

The first step is often not becoming a completely different person.

It is beginning to recognise the value of the person who is already there.

Interested in Building Your Confidence?

If you recognise some of the challenges discussed in this article and feel that you would benefit from further support, you are welcome to explore the Confidence Building Course for additional guidance, reflection and practical strategies to help you move forward.

Find out more about the Confidence Building Course here: https://snconsultancyandsupportservices.com/